Too young to go

 Another friend gone this year, too young, too soon.  Each day truly is a gift, tomorrow is never promised.  We do our best to stay healthy and alert so we may continue on this physical and only plane that we currently know.  None of us really know what is on the other side.  We can only hope that we continue somehow some way.  The true sadness for me is knowing this book does end, the chapter of being with my friend, who is now gone, has ended, yes perhaps we will meet again but it will be different.  All is forever changing and that is heartbreaking, for this moment this time will never be again.  So we must love each moment and treasure it for it is forever fleeting.   I love you Tim Craskey, thank you for loving me.  We will miss you so much.  May your soul be free and at peace.  You lived life to your fullest, said yes to everything.  I hate that you left too soon, I am sad for you, for you loved life and your friends.  May our energy always be connected somehow.  Shine on.

Au Revoir Monte Carlo

 As I leave a place of my youth… in a time that was filled with magic, dancing, performing, friends, love and adventure… I say goodbye to her, you have come along way as the saying goes.  Much of you is the same yet different as you simply have grown.  I am proud of you, who you have become, the healing and transformation you had to embrace.  Excited for where you will still go. It was rewarding to return to a time in my life that once gave me joy yet also broke my heart.  I was able to say goodbye and say thank you for all of it.  I do smile with gratitude for it happened. 

Life moves on and we cling to what was, it is bitter sweet how memories linger.  I cherish them yet miss at the same time.  Forever in our cells the never ending goodbyes as we move on creating new memories, oh the life.  It really is a feeling, are their words?  Yes but sometimes just a deep breath is all that is needed.  

Who, if any will ever read these, if you do, you know who you are. Shine on crazy diamond.

Poems of comfort in loss

 As I move through life and try to find my place in understanding the meaning of it all, death and loss and continuing on.  Two poems give great comfort, Death is nothing at all. Do not stand by my grave and weep.  We try to move on with peace and gratitude, do all our things to clean the path as we walk on.  The simple answer for me though is death shows us love and love is all we have, love is what we leave behind as we blow in the wind.

Michael Lee

 Our Michael Lee is gone… what do I say?  When I met you I was a fan, never have I witnessed such mastery in the arts.  When I got to know you, I was privileged to be able to call you friend.  Along the way we and the others became a tribe, we would call on each other in both celebration and heartache.  You were the muse in the group, the inspiration, the light, the entertainer, no one could do it like you.  ALS took you from our world, it’s been one day with you gone, and the world is different for we lost a powerful being that had so much more to conquer and share and be.  It is hard to understand, why some are taken too soon, we will never know why.  All I can do is trust you are free, happy and know that your life in this plane meant something to so many and still does.  Your light gave our light a spark and today this light is dim in us all who knew you.  Missing you.  Play your songs, enjoy all the glory that is your everlasting soul.  I smile for I know you are love and love never dies, yet I cry for this chapter in this life of having you has ended, never to be what it was, endings hurt when the story was everything.  It will never be the same with you gone.  And that is the heartbreak of a temporary life, what was is gone, what is to come is yet to be.  I forever love you, I hope you know that.  Goodbye Michael Lee, goodbye, hope to catch you in the afterlife and share a laugh, maybe journey down as humans again in another form, who knows what is to be.  Thank you for blessing us with your presence, we miss you, I miss you today and so it is and so it shall be.

Swimming with whales

 It happened, a dream, a desire, a wish, a longing, in the water with whales.  What I learned, what I wished for was beyond what I could of imagined.  Put away, the humans, for they do as they do get in the way of a magical moment, yet we were all there looking for the same experience to be near these mystical magical beings to somehow learn something… one is nervous the first time for there is so much anticipation and patience as you search the deep blue looking for any signs of a whale, one is spotted you need to hurry to get in the water, to swim as fast as you can yet to be as quiet as you can, some of the humans can’t swim or are too loud and don’t follow the rules to stay together etc etc… yet the moment happens it is you near a magical being of the sea, and all stops, you are graced with the presence of mystical wonder, beyond words really…. But my words are gratefulness for the moment, for being a bit fearful of the unknown and doing it anyway, grateful my body held up for the long swim, exited to accomplish a goal of mine, but beyond that the whales taught me to have patience, expect the unexpected, that magic does exist, that energy and good vibes do matter, that dreams do come true, it might not go as you planned, but it does happen if you believe.  They are so beautiful, the are guardians of some kind, they have much to teach us, I am so grateful that most of the hunting has ended, even though at times I even felt like we should not be chasing them to be near them, we should just leave them alone, I think they understood that we just need some magic in our lives so they graced us with their presence.  It was wow, it was everything. Humbled to of had these moments.  Thank you thank you thank you.  One ex of the wonder was one trip as we did four, we spent a couple hours searching, I did say a silent prayer to them, if you hear me come near, they did, we went in the water to get ready to swim and to my amazement they were below our boat, as to say we heard you and here we are… another was whale and now enter the dolphins… another was I was so in the moment of swimming that I missed a whale right in front of me, found her later, but still, lesson is to be in the moment yet be aware of your surroundings, lol.  Heard them singing, not in the water at that moment, but that gives me something to look forward to, to feel their vibrations of the song.  It was perfection, more perfection would be less humans and perhaps just to be in the water and have them come to you instead of chasing the magic, still it was glorious, it was everything.  Isn’t it great to be alive and have experiences of nature and all her glory, there is so much on this beautiful planet.  Ok just wanted to write a bit about it, as to remember, as to inspire to keep searching for magic, it is all around.

Do you hear yourself scream inside

 At times there is a scream within, either for me or past generations or the animals or the planet.  Emotions arise with no home to call, out of the depth it pours out of you.  Releasing mother pain of the provider survivor fighter, fathers pain of perfection which haunts him paralyzing him to do anything.  Finding your unique soul fighting for answers to find a quiet peace and satisfaction that all is good, release and be.  Yet sometimes there a scream within, I can hear it, calling out.  Do you?  We just want to be happy and free, so mote it be.  Always searching, always trying to understand and that in itself is enough.  Grow and be.

60 is here

 60 is here, what to do with that… crazy to think I have been here this long, grateful to continue.  Is it what I imagined?  no, no parade, no bells, just me, love in my heart, more humble, more grateful.  Oh I had visions of travel through Europe this year, promises made with another, the other gone from this life, a promise we could not keep.  Pivot move with the journey I do, perhaps slightly disappointed in friends not being closer, yet I think I always knew that, kept my distance for a reason, yet being older wanting more connection, trying to be available for more, yet not getting it… yet really ok with that as well, releasing expectations is a constant lesson, I think I get better at it.  I can rely on me, to take care of myself, to love myself, to be love, to stop fighting for more, to accept, to share, to grow.  All the things… this I have learned in my 60 years.  So happy bday to me, you did good, you fell, you got up, you forgave, forgave myself was the big one and I did.  I thank you life, I hope to get many more journeys around the Sun.  It went by fast, it can slow down now.

2025 let’s go

 2025 is near and here.  It is my 60th year, wow, all I can say is time you go by fast, it is true life is just a moment.  In reflection, I am beyond grateful for all that was, the joy, the pain, the growth, the release, no regrets yet I have creative projects that haunt me so must be completed this year.  I feel the biggest challenge has been what do I want and why for if I can answer that, all comes all flows.  Community is important, freedom, recognition, purpose, change, healing, love… we all want the same thing, yet when years pass the urge of why I am here and what is it I must do?  Maybe nothing, maybe this lifetime is just to find love, love in myself and others, to trust that we exist to simply be… yet I am an artist and I love to perform, so that drives me in this journey, but I want the art to mean something, I need to feel good about it, I want to speak of truth behind it I want to shift people’s thoughts I want to heal myself and others through it, big demands, hard to find the path for all that, I complicate it, waiting for signs, doubting myself for being too lazy in the quest, forgiving myself for missed steps and moving forward.  So here we go 2025, thank you 2024 for inspiring me to continue to grow, heal and love, may the next bring more lessons of love, may I learn, may I grow, may my purpose show it self, may creativity and inspiration come to me, thank you for what is here and for what is to come, namaste, Marie

Still hurts

 15 years since my beautiful Moma Clare Miller left us, time does not heal, you just get use to the feeling of her gone, still hurts, I just miss more.  Feeling the need to write a magical moment that happened though.  We went on a boat ride, saw dolphins, later we released flowers and the dolphins returned at the perfect moment over the flowers, words cannot express the magic that was felt, it is on video, too precious and private to share, but a gift she gave me as the flowers floated away, in my heart it felt as though she was telling me I am gone but love lives and all continues and all is well… I don’t know, I just miss her so much, that is all I can really say, it still hurts, we walk on, and I just love her more today than yesterday…

New moon thoughts

 New moon a time of renewal new birth new dreams, new me?  As you age there is a releasing of the younger self, a thank you for all you have done and now you can go, so the new self, the wiser, the consciousness can rise and the ego self can surrender and let go.  Easy to say, harder to do, a process of the unlearning, the shedding etc etc.  sort of a mourning period for the younger self to say goodbye as you thank it for getting you to where you are today.  Oh the life, the lessons, the letting go, the forever unfolding of forgiving self and others.  Always back to love, love for what was, love for now.  Still learning to be in the now, to be the witness of my thoughts, to be grateful for all of it, excited for what is yet to come.  What a ride huh?  Namaste

Tick tock

 Tick tick goes the clock, the mind can race, ocd, overthinker, tick tock.  The terror is overthinking, than overthinking why I am overthinking, from art to simple task, am I satisfied, did I do it to the best of my capabilities, is there more, should there be less, tick tock.  All the tools, yet difficult at times to apply, see the monkey brain playing with my soul, surrender? No? Yes?  Tick tock, trying to get off the ride but she pulls me in, the part addicted to suffering, fighting to stay alive.  Breathe, let go, try try try… tick tock.  

Daddy

 Holiday Season 2023/ Daddy visit.

My dad was here, for me and perhaps for all, it is an emotional time, the bond with daughter and father, once he was my best friend, our roles changed as I grew and moved on but for him I remain that little girl.  Distance kept him from getting to really know my adult self and I could not see the slow aging difference in him only to be blasted with this new old man before me.  I grasp for connection as we are forever bonded, desperately wanting to heal old wounds. Yet time moves on and I discover the love is always there, I treasure the moments when I see the spirit of the Man and see that even though he is physically weak as well as mentally, the vibrant spirit remains.  We can’t change the past, we cannot regret, then what is there to heal, is what it is, this tragically beautiful life, these souls grasping for connection, for peace.  Through it all the love remains strong, perhaps the healing is as simple as acceptance.  I love you daddy, Even thought I wanted you to try harder for health for victory, for all I wanted for you.  You did your best, you try your best, you always brought sunshine even when it was dark.  Your soul is amazing and I know that great things are coming for you when the transition comes.  Each lifetime we learn at our own pace.  I think the biggest gift have given me is acceptance for what is.  In our life, as your little girl, you gave me the gift of play, of adventure, of laughter and all the fun things…. I love you forever in this and in the next.  Your girl Marie.  It’s a beautiful day and the sun is out shining.  You did good daddy, you did good.

Loss of a genius

 Much has happened since I last wrote… to start, Rich Rizzo, an icon that was lost yet forever loving and caring crossed over, I had been out of his life for decades due to the pain of witnessing his poor choices, yet in the end we were able to sing and share our love for him before he left.  Here is to believing that his light is restarted and he continues onto anew with creative love all around him. 

  Recently, Franco Dragon, a true legend in this entertainment live theatre world left us… feeling lead to write about moments I shared with him as an artist, yet feeling the need to keep it somewhat private, I am using this forum to share.  I have been in this game my entire life, I had the chance 2x to work with him until we met this past year.  The almost got it girl was my path with Cirque until landing Zumanity, once with Mystere, as the last remaining 2 at their first LV audition. Made it to the end with A New Day, only to be singularly called out ok thank you for coming… and then there was the first audition for Zumanity, again made it to the end.  I would get redemption for that one as a Character fifteen years later.  Back to Franco as he was involved with Mystere and A New Day.  He we are at decades later at Amystika,  my perseverance and proposals landed me as an artist in this project.  Franco was our Director, when he appeared we all gave our ultimate attention and respect as his energy quietly demanded that of us.  One day we had our secret treasure day, meaning presenting to him a piece of us that was our own creative signature.  I chose to bring my character Sallie to play with a bit of magic, a French song etc, sort of a greeting card to him sent with love.  Much to my surprise he accepted it, even took my hand to the costume rack to dress me more in his vision.  A moment I will forever treasure for it was just me and him.  He graced me with his childlike pure energy as you could seem him let down his directive title and just be a creative soul excited to play.  He continued to direct me in this skit and words of you are enough, keep it simple, take your time and share yourself with the audience will forever be sketched in my being as an artist.  In the months to come, he would call me Mary, criticizing me at times yet I felt blessed to have his attention.  As an artist when he did praise you, you felt like a child getting approval from a parent.  I was raised this way as a dancer from former coaches so I understood this old school tough love, some did not… in the creative months to follow he encouraged us to shake the stage, present who we are and allowed us to continue to propose ideas for this creation, I accepted this playful creative game that he allowed us to play in, it was tiring, confusing and frustrating yet I simply loved every moment of it…he was a true Icon and I finally got my redemption and was able to work with him, a true blessing, a moment forever in my grateful heart.  To this I say thank you Franco Dragone for all of it, you lived, you created and there are thousands who are enriched for having known you, your energy will live on in your art and in the artist.  Shine on, love Mary (as your accent pronounced my name in that way). I am sure you are ok and somewhere you are at play, Thank you Maestro.

Still here

 It’s been a bit since I wrote here.  As we move into 2022, reflecting on the years past, this 2021 took me for a stumble, still recovering with pure gratitude that I made it through.  For this life does test us, she is not an easy road, and who really wants it easy?  Challenges remind us that we are alive, so grateful I am to be here, to be given the privilege of a new day, to be given the choice to be better than yesterday, to love more, to try to be more.  Shine on my friends, shine on Terra, my true love, let’s get this 2022 and there after, namaste.

A daughter’s loss

 We have the time now to search our souls, going down the rabbit hole as they say... much of our deep pain comes from the loss of a childhood, the love and safety we so desired follows us.  I was loved yet safety was never a guarantee.  My father dealt with undiagnosed emotional trauma that led him into panic whenever control was loss, I seem to have possibly inherited this gene, if that is what it is or it is learned behavior that I have yet to unlearn, not as often as I age, yet it can sneak up on me and when I search for reasoning, I am always led back to the father.  We were best friends as a child, these days there is no connection due to his lack of motivation to keep on living, be the meds or his love of being irresponsible or both.  I can’t help him, so I let that boat sail, loving him as it drifts away.  So I search in me, trying to forgive myself for wanting it to be different, accepting that which is, remembering what was good, releasing the bad and so on and so on.  Hoping one day not to be triggered when I have no control, each time getting a little closer to peace, yet trying not to judge myself when I fail, but get up, learn and do better next time.  Prayer faith in all that is, loving myself, believing, grateful for love and happiness.  We are all doing our best, I believe that, ok till later, I feel better now 💗

Inquisitive minds, where do the birds go to die?

 So many writings I have, some make it here some do not... For you inquisitive minds, have you ever wondered where to the birds go to die?  Good title for a book I thought, what book, my story?  Being too critical for my own good, I ask who would care to read it?  Has it not all been said... mine is a girl raised by broken love, two people doing their best as unknowing unwise children coming from broken homes themselves.  I spent my life forgiving them again and again, my mind has questions always, in search of purpose and meaning, with the desire to be part of something bigger than me and my stuff.  These days I am beyond grateful for all that I have, peace and love being the forefront, I say thank you, but I still wonder where do the birds go to die?  The answer, without researching would be, learn to be comfortable in the not knowing, this I tell you inquisitive mind, surrender and so it is.

77

 77 you would of been on this day.  Only 65 successful journeys around the Sun.  I still mourn, I still miss you everyday, you are forever with me.  As we the survivors walk on, who can say for certain maybe you’re still here, I can hear you in silence, and you are mine forever love, beyond the distant star, I wish to see you smile.  Stay safe, stay in love, stay in peace, stay in glory. I know you’re there, a breath not far from where you are.  Words of another speak from my heart. I forever and ever love you my Moma, Clare Shamer Miller.  Thank you for all you taught me and for all you still do, you are simply glorious.

Redemption

 So I rediscovered when your faith is questioned, when re-examination comes to play and you are reassured that yes it is and yes you are worthy and yes you are strong and yes time to get stronger for you are needed. For the day of reckoning is upon us and the light warriors need to be prepared for within the cobwebs of the lost wandering souls a cleansing is needed, for Terra and the souls freedom to awaken to a clearer vision so that our true heaven can be reborn unto us all.  These days have been before and these days will be again. What side are you on?  Can you see with eyes and a heart filled with a majestic light of love or are you trapped in the cobwebs of fear and judgement.  Don’t worry we a gearing up to come free you, so that your eyes may see.  God is here, god is near, all is well, all is coming, thank you spirits of the light, all that is has our back, you are supported, so gear up warriors of the light, redemption for Terra and the universe is upon us.  Love wins every time, may be tested, yet reassurance is always a positive.  Thank you, to those who question or debate your faith, in that more strength is born, let’s go.  Onward...

Christians???

 Let’s begin with why one should never debate with a Christian especially a reborn one.  A Facebook friend posted why meditating is dangerous as it welcomes demons...well, being a yogi, I felt I had to say something. Let’s just say we went down the rabbit hole and instead of peacefully agreeing to disagree, I was given harsh scare scripture, telling me I was on a path of destruction and if I don’t agree with the Bible before I die, it will be too late afterwards to have a spot in heaven, and she felt sorry for me.... So that was that, unfriend she became.  So now having been a Christian I needed to recheck myself for my brain needs to be certain that I Am on a path to God and Hell is not in my future.  For me, these are my reasons.  The planet is 4.5 Billion years old, yet the Bible says it is 6,000 years old.  With that one simple fact, it causes a brain that is not brainwashed by fear of going to Hell, to be curious outside of this Bible to find a truth that resonates with God and All that is.  For a spiritual being inside a human I am.  I love the Bible it has good stuff in there, but in my heart and soul it is not the only way to God, how can it be, a book that if even written by the Holy Spirit was through Man  for one small region on this planet.  What about those in Asia and other parts of the world they also found their path to God, are they all wrong...There is one true light that it God, yet there can be many paths to him.  The God in the Bible is a loving forgiving God, if he or she the BibleGod is all that is, how can one be condemned for seeking answers elsewhere?  If you have love within and God is love, then who is to say my God is better than your God, makes no sense to me.  So on this day I am at peace.  The day of reckoning is upon us, perhaps we will know the truth then.  I respect my fellow Christians beliefs, I pray they one day can respect my Mystic beliefs.  We are all children of God.  The Bible is but one glorious love letter from god, yet man got his imperfect hands on it.  I feel perhaps because Man wanted to control people and used fear to get them to believe in their version of who God is.  I choose the spirit to guide me to my higher self which is love and in that place of still white light is where God is.  And if I am wrong, well God forgive me, I was just curious.  As long as one tries to live with pure goodness of forgiveness and love, how can God not welcome them.  So many wars over this one topic, us children of God, preaching to each other instead of just being present in the arms of our loving beautiful God.  I love you God, and Jesus and Buddha and all the others who came before me in trying to bring us home, home to light and love and everlasting peace.  Christians today have gotten a bit cray cray with their fear based scripture or maybe they have always been.  Tell someone they will go to Hell unless they follow the scripture from this one book seems a bit fear based to me, just saying.  Namaste 

Here we are

 Here we are, continuing to battle this side to that side, my God to your God.  Here I remain still in my sanctuary, a cave of solitude and peace, looking for reasons, purpose to just be.  Hearing the call to make a change, choosing which battle is worth the debate.  As we are all connected in some way?  I struggle to believe, woven into one fabric yet with  my design being on the far end of this masterpiece... it is a different shade as to others on the other side, yet the thread weaves us together, however the hate and judgement weakens the thread, as the fabric is stretched out, unable to expose her true design.  My heart tells me love will bring us together, yet before that we must re weave and tighten up.  In this we seek out what is that to be?  Can it be repaired?  Or has the day arrived to let go and begin to weave a new design, will we all join?  Or is the day of reckoning here?  In that, what does it mean?  Faith they say, believe even though you do not know, make your peace with All that is, and in the end if someone mentions your name, hopefully they can say, you did your best, well done.  God help us all.