A daughter’s loss

 We have the time now to search our souls, going down the rabbit hole as they say... much of our deep pain comes from the loss of a childhood, the love and safety we so desired follows us.  I was loved yet safety was never a guarantee.  My father dealt with undiagnosed emotional trauma that led him into panic whenever control was loss, I seem to have possibly inherited this gene, if that is what it is or it is learned behavior that I have yet to unlearn, not as often as I age, yet it can sneak up on me and when I search for reasoning, I am always led back to the father.  We were best friends as a child, these days there is no connection due to his lack of motivation to keep on living, be the meds or his love of being irresponsible or both.  I can’t help him, so I let that boat sail, loving him as it drifts away.  So I search in me, trying to forgive myself for wanting it to be different, accepting that which is, remembering what was good, releasing the bad and so on and so on.  Hoping one day not to be triggered when I have no control, each time getting a little closer to peace, yet trying not to judge myself when I fail, but get up, learn and do better next time.  Prayer faith in all that is, loving myself, believing, grateful for love and happiness.  We are all doing our best, I believe that, ok till later, I feel better now 💗