Sad

 Ugh, I’m sad... a show closing is like a death, there’s a mourning process.  This one was special, my first professional clown experience, I wanted it, I trained, I got it.  Beyond grateful for the experience, yet wanting more more more.  Today I will go get my stuff and say goodbye to that gorgeous theatre,  it will be sad, there is no way to get around that.  So I will walk through that feeling with a smile for the simple fact that I did it, I got it done.  Ugh, but I’m sad....

Bye bye Zumanity

 Heard the news today... she did not survive the shutdown.  What an honor to have been blessed to perform in that room.  You scared me but you were everything I in visioned.   I trained hard to gain your your trust.  Thank you for allowing be to share in your Grace. All the feels, all the everything’s, beyond words, you who have stood in this power understand what it is I intend to say... so I will just say thank you.  Oh great, who blessed me with such a treasure, it was my honor to have been able to call you home, your essence and all of it, backstage, on stage, preshow show with adrenaline of let’s get this done, hear we go. Serving and being blessed with knowing the truth of  that place of knowledge in how to serve... the strength in that showroom, are you not entertained?!!!  Will miss you, but wow what you gave me, beyond a blessing, thank you, it was my honor, forever grateful, what a pleasure... oh the heart, how she can break when you know you have lost a true love... see you later DeeDee, perhaps or perhaps not, we shall see.  And again one must dig for faith in knowing all will be and do as it is, new dreams, new visions, all with hope, grace and love. Trust in all again shows her face, trust in all, walk on, great warriors of light, we need you, light the way, namaste.  Bye bye Zumanity

Staying sane or trying to

 Here we are,  close to 8 months in, of what I like to call a glimpse of early retirement, which I am no where near ready for.  Staying sane or trying to is what my goals seem to be these days.  Write that book, not inspired, do that new training, not inspired, do it anyway? I simply don’t know.  Reading, walking, yoga, good food, tv seems to consume my days.  Never been in prison, but I guess we all have a bit of a peek into what it is like when you are controlled in the sense of what you can and can’t do.  I think what ways so heavy on us all, is no purpose, trying to stay patient, coming into remainIng grateful for all that we have, for we have so much more than others.  There are good days and days filled with anxiety, do all the things they say to do, breath, herbs, be and so it shall pass and so it shall pass, Namaste to us all. Love will win in the end and we will be ok, we shall overcome, this I know to be true, remembering it is another thing.  The life... cray cray isn’t it...

Always near.

 Clare Shamer Miller.  My Beautiful Moma Spirit gone now for 11 years.  I see her in all the beauty of all that is, the lonely bird awaiting to hear the call, knowing the essence of that which is you, is always near. 

Scream

 The scream inside, the true self stuck in a cage wanting to get out, I have the key, paralyzed unable to unlock, witness, watching, waiting for the shift, when my eyes can see and the silence returns, the peace does come most days, on the days it does not, I wonder why, why do I allow it, knowing I am powerful, yet  I suffer as I hear the noise, waiting, for this shall pass, it always does, and so it shall be, namaste.

It’s August

It’s August and what have you done?  For me, let’s see, March was relaxing, raising a puppy, days of leisure, organize home, make plans.  April, ok still in it, more house to do projects, begin work on a friends bday video, hikes, explore. May went by fast, realizing now we are in it for a bit, what to do?  Binge watch TV.  June much like May.  July a bit more panicky now, what to do with time, more day trips, publish a child’s Yoga book, oh toO much upfront cost, never mind, do more meditation, read, search for direction of what to focus on... now it’s August, what will come of it?  To be continued....

Staying on purpose

The fight of us all to find and have a purpose in days of nothing needing to be done.  The luxury of time and the self pressure of what to do with it, write a book simply for the joy?  For profit is uncertain.  Create an new act when creativity is limited.  Reinvent yourself to find a new purpose. Questions to ask yourself, now that we have the time... and what... heal thyself.  Release self doubt, release unworthiness.  All running around trying to find that which gives purpose.  In the midst of it all just trying to stay happy, staying grateful yet feeling the pull of something and so unclear about what that is, searching searching searching...

In it

We are in it now, this quarantine close to 5 months now.  Us all forced into the feeling of early retirement, realizing not so ready for a life of leisure, much left to do, but what of this unknown world.  How to find a path in this unpredictable fog.  Waiting for clarity, a sign, guidance of some form.  Searching for hearts desire, of simply needing purpose to function as a complete human and that what does that mean.  All the things, as the saying goes all the things.  Strength to me, to you, strength to us as we navigate for life, love, health and being.  What is to come...

I Am Loving Awareness, words of wisdom from all that is.  As I exist in this gift of free time, yearning to grow and become all that I am, reading, moving, breathing, reflecting on life, shadow self ... hello?  yes she is still there.  I remember those who have come and gone, leaving a bit of their dust in my current self.  I remember you, you know who you are, do you remember me?  Do you carry a bit of my dust or is it sparkle? I like to hold on to those I love for I love so few, never a fan of what we call friends, they all seem to come and go, some cross over to family but they too eventually disappoint, and why is that, why do my eyes see that.  Fear, denial keeps us separate, to love is all we need, love is everlasting, never to end, so I carry you in my heart, all my days, perhaps you do as well, perhaps not.  If we are of the same source, then we are of the same fabric, we are intertwined and so it is and so it shall always be.  Some walk away because we are not what they need us to be, we love our versions of what we see others to be, but on this fabric, they are the shade they are, we loved that at one time, so how can it ever change, it is that... so I love you and always will, if never again in this physical form shall we intertwine, a reconnect in some form is inevitable, so I will not mourn the loss, I will just miss and remember when.  Namaste to you and to you all, I do love still.

These days of waiting for the world to open up... to visualize in an uncertain future is a challenge.  This state of limbo haunts us all.  In the beginning it was a gift to have the freedom of leisure, no where you had to go, nothing you had to be.  Silence, retreat, all the things we think would be a gift if having to work was not a necessity.  And now here we are 2 months in, with many months to go. The quest begins, what to be, what is your purpose to rise each day.  Better yet, what is my purpose?   Creativity does not flow in this days of leisure... I could begin and then see?  Yet does not interest me.  Dreams of writing, what to say, self help or stories... Body worker?  Not feeling the call, not feeling much of a call in any direction... Wait, look within, search for clues, be, breathe, love, maybe that is enough and what really is enouph?  Peace is all we truly desire, eat right, exercise, rejoice in small wonders.  Small dilemmas in waiting for the world to heal.  I do feel Terra healing, so I guess just being grateful for this time for her, is enouph... we shall see...

2020

A new decade is upon us, 2020 it is.  I reflect on the last ten years as they flew by, in 2010 it was the first year without my beautiful mom, every year the loss of her grows, Every year I am more humble more grateful for good days, lessons that she continues to teach me.  In the following years about every 2 years I had to say goodbye to each pack member, Kalie, Diego, Benu and Zara.  I had to let my man go, we found our way back to each other. My career blossomed as I became a female clown for a Cirque show.  I remain steady and happily employed with Criss Angel. We bought a new house, new memories to create.  The Decade also brought travel, a love for Hawaii, finally Paris, new lifelong friends were made.  As I move into this new decade may love, forgiveness, inspiration follow me always, forever grateful for this journey of life, for all of it, the good and bad, the love and loss, shine on my fellow beings, we have much to do in the days ahead, the world needs us, find your place, do good, help this planet heal, smile for life is a gift.