Go peacefully in the night

 Writing to quite the thoughts.  Visiting my Dad, processing what he has become.  Age has not been his friend as I knew it would not be.  Lying there in his bed, unclear thoughts and speech.  I find connection in a childhood song that he can remember.  We do our best to begin to clean out a life, not knowing how long he will remain.  Praying that he goes in a peaceful dream, for I would not want to rot away slowly in a strange place.  I am haunted before sleep of memories of my life as his daughter.  He was my childhood hero, with his magic and Tv shows, the popular girl in school with a dad as Bozo, the life of the party,  my inspiration, my playmate, my world.  To grow and later see the demons he kept buried, the brain filled with all the mental dysfunction of being on the spectrum in so many ways.  I found a way to forgive his anger, his laziness, his procrastination as a true disability.  He did his best with what he had.  His best gift in life was probably just loving and being proud of me, his little girl. This is a long goodbye, a goodbye of forgiving and acceptance.  Oh how I pray he goes peacefully in the night.  For a chance to begin again, to be loved, to be healthy, to be free.  I love you daddy, you did good, thank you for all the wonder and magic you showed me.  No regrets just love.  I am forever special for you made me feel that way.  Shine on, now fly free, your little girl, Marie