Still hurts

 15 years since my beautiful Moma Clare Miller left us, time does not heal, you just get use to the feeling of her gone, still hurts, I just miss more.  Feeling the need to write a magical moment that happened though.  We went on a boat ride, saw dolphins, later we released flowers and the dolphins returned at the perfect moment over the flowers, words cannot express the magic that was felt, it is on video, too precious and private to share, but a gift she gave me as the flowers floated away, in my heart it felt as though she was telling me I am gone but love lives and all continues and all is well… I don’t know, I just miss her so much, that is all I can really say, it still hurts, we walk on, and I just love her more today than yesterday…

New moon thoughts

 New moon a time of renewal new birth new dreams, new me?  As you age there is a releasing of the younger self, a thank you for all you have done and now you can go, so the new self, the wiser, the consciousness can rise and the ego self can surrender and let go.  Easy to say, harder to do, a process of the unlearning, the shedding etc etc.  sort of a mourning period for the younger self to say goodbye as you thank it for getting you to where you are today.  Oh the life, the lessons, the letting go, the forever unfolding of forgiving self and others.  Always back to love, love for what was, love for now.  Still learning to be in the now, to be the witness of my thoughts, to be grateful for all of it, excited for what is yet to come.  What a ride huh?  Namaste

Tick tock

 Tick tick goes the clock, the mind can race, ocd, overthinker, tick tock.  The terror is overthinking, than overthinking why I am overthinking, from art to simple task, am I satisfied, did I do it to the best of my capabilities, is there more, should there be less, tick tock.  All the tools, yet difficult at times to apply, see the monkey brain playing with my soul, surrender? No? Yes?  Tick tock, trying to get off the ride but she pulls me in, the part addicted to suffering, fighting to stay alive.  Breathe, let go, try try try… tick tock.  

Daddy

 Holiday Season 2023/ Daddy visit.

My dad was here, for me and perhaps for all, it is an emotional time, the bond with daughter and father, once he was my best friend, our roles changed as I grew and moved on but for him I remain that little girl.  Distance kept him from getting to really know my adult self and I could not see the slow aging difference in him only to be blasted with this new old man before me.  I grasp for connection as we are forever bonded, desperately wanting to heal old wounds. Yet time moves on and I discover the love is always there, I treasure the moments when I see the spirit of the Man and see that even though he is physically weak as well as mentally, the vibrant spirit remains.  We can’t change the past, we cannot regret, then what is there to heal, is what it is, this tragically beautiful life, these souls grasping for connection, for peace.  Through it all the love remains strong, perhaps the healing is as simple as acceptance.  I love you daddy, Even thought I wanted you to try harder for health for victory, for all I wanted for you.  You did your best, you try your best, you always brought sunshine even when it was dark.  Your soul is amazing and I know that great things are coming for you when the transition comes.  Each lifetime we learn at our own pace.  I think the biggest gift have given me is acceptance for what is.  In our life, as your little girl, you gave me the gift of play, of adventure, of laughter and all the fun things…. I love you forever in this and in the next.  Your girl Marie.  It’s a beautiful day and the sun is out shining.  You did good daddy, you did good.

Loss of a genius

 Much has happened since I last wrote… to start, Rich Rizzo, an icon that was lost yet forever loving and caring crossed over, I had been out of his life for decades due to the pain of witnessing his poor choices, yet in the end we were able to sing and share our love for him before he left.  Here is to believing that his light is restarted and he continues onto anew with creative love all around him. 

  Recently, Franco Dragon, a true legend in this entertainment live theatre world left us… feeling lead to write about moments I shared with him as an artist, yet feeling the need to keep it somewhat private, I am using this forum to share.  I have been in this game my entire life, I had the chance 2x to work with him until we met this past year.  The almost got it girl was my path with Cirque until landing Zumanity, once with Mystere, as the last remaining 2 at their first LV audition. Made it to the end with A New Day, only to be singularly called out ok thank you for coming… and then there was the first audition for Zumanity, again made it to the end.  I would get redemption for that one as a Character fifteen years later.  Back to Franco as he was involved with Mystere and A New Day.  He we are at decades later at Amystika,  my perseverance and proposals landed me as an artist in this project.  Franco was our Director, when he appeared we all gave our ultimate attention and respect as his energy quietly demanded that of us.  One day we had our secret treasure day, meaning presenting to him a piece of us that was our own creative signature.  I chose to bring my character Sallie to play with a bit of magic, a French song etc, sort of a greeting card to him sent with love.  Much to my surprise he accepted it, even took my hand to the costume rack to dress me more in his vision.  A moment I will forever treasure for it was just me and him.  He graced me with his childlike pure energy as you could seem him let down his directive title and just be a creative soul excited to play.  He continued to direct me in this skit and words of you are enough, keep it simple, take your time and share yourself with the audience will forever be sketched in my being as an artist.  In the months to come, he would call me Mary, criticizing me at times yet I felt blessed to have his attention.  As an artist when he did praise you, you felt like a child getting approval from a parent.  I was raised this way as a dancer from former coaches so I understood this old school tough love, some did not… in the creative months to follow he encouraged us to shake the stage, present who we are and allowed us to continue to propose ideas for this creation, I accepted this playful creative game that he allowed us to play in, it was tiring, confusing and frustrating yet I simply loved every moment of it…he was a true Icon and I finally got my redemption and was able to work with him, a true blessing, a moment forever in my grateful heart.  To this I say thank you Franco Dragone for all of it, you lived, you created and there are thousands who are enriched for having known you, your energy will live on in your art and in the artist.  Shine on, love Mary (as your accent pronounced my name in that way). I am sure you are ok and somewhere you are at play, Thank you Maestro.

Still here

 It’s been a bit since I wrote here.  As we move into 2022, reflecting on the years past, this 2021 took me for a stumble, still recovering with pure gratitude that I made it through.  For this life does test us, she is not an easy road, and who really wants it easy?  Challenges remind us that we are alive, so grateful I am to be here, to be given the privilege of a new day, to be given the choice to be better than yesterday, to love more, to try to be more.  Shine on my friends, shine on Terra, my true love, let’s get this 2022 and there after, namaste.

A daughter’s loss

 We have the time now to search our souls, going down the rabbit hole as they say... much of our deep pain comes from the loss of a childhood, the love and safety we so desired follows us.  I was loved yet safety was never a guarantee.  My father dealt with undiagnosed emotional trauma that led him into panic whenever control was loss, I seem to have possibly inherited this gene, if that is what it is or it is learned behavior that I have yet to unlearn, not as often as I age, yet it can sneak up on me and when I search for reasoning, I am always led back to the father.  We were best friends as a child, these days there is no connection due to his lack of motivation to keep on living, be the meds or his love of being irresponsible or both.  I can’t help him, so I let that boat sail, loving him as it drifts away.  So I search in me, trying to forgive myself for wanting it to be different, accepting that which is, remembering what was good, releasing the bad and so on and so on.  Hoping one day not to be triggered when I have no control, each time getting a little closer to peace, yet trying not to judge myself when I fail, but get up, learn and do better next time.  Prayer faith in all that is, loving myself, believing, grateful for love and happiness.  We are all doing our best, I believe that, ok till later, I feel better now 💗