Swimming with whales

 It happened, a dream, a desire, a wish, a longing, in the water with whales.  What I learned, what I wished for was beyond what I could of imagined.  Put away, the humans, for they do as they do get in the way of a magical moment, yet we were all there looking for the same experience to be near these mystical magical beings to somehow learn something… one is nervous the first time for there is so much anticipation and patience as you search the deep blue looking for any signs of a whale, one is spotted you need to hurry to get in the water, to swim as fast as you can yet to be as quiet as you can, some of the humans can’t swim or are too loud and don’t follow the rules to stay together etc etc… yet the moment happens it is you near a magical being of the sea, and all stops, you are graced with the presence of mystical wonder, beyond words really…. But my words are gratefulness for the moment, for being a bit fearful of the unknown and doing it anyway, grateful my body held up for the long swim, exited to accomplish a goal of mine, but beyond that the whales taught me to have patience, expect the unexpected, that magic does exist, that energy and good vibes do matter, that dreams do come true, it might not go as you planned, but it does happen if you believe.  They are so beautiful, the are guardians of some kind, they have much to teach us, I am so grateful that most of the hunting has ended, even though at times I even felt like we should not be chasing them to be near them, we should just leave them alone, I think they understood that we just need some magic in our lives so they graced us with their presence.  It was wow, it was everything. Humbled to of had these moments.  Thank you thank you thank you.  One ex of the wonder was one trip as we did four, we spent a couple hours searching, I did say a silent prayer to them, if you hear me come near, they did, we went in the water to get ready to swim and to my amazement they were below our boat, as to say we heard you and here we are… another was whale and now enter the dolphins… another was I was so in the moment of swimming that I missed a whale right in front of me, found her later, but still, lesson is to be in the moment yet be aware of your surroundings, lol.  Heard them singing, not in the water at that moment, but that gives me something to look forward to, to feel their vibrations of the song.  It was perfection, more perfection would be less humans and perhaps just to be in the water and have them come to you instead of chasing the magic, still it was glorious, it was everything.  Isn’t it great to be alive and have experiences of nature and all her glory, there is so much on this beautiful planet.  Ok just wanted to write a bit about it, as to remember, as to inspire to keep searching for magic, it is all around.

Do you hear yourself scream inside

 At times there is a scream within, either for me or past generations or the animals or the planet.  Emotions arise with no home to call, out of the depth it pours out of you.  Releasing mother pain of the provider survivor fighter, fathers pain of perfection which haunts him paralyzing him to do anything.  Finding your unique soul fighting for answers to find a quiet peace and satisfaction that all is good, release and be.  Yet sometimes there a scream within, I can hear it, calling out.  Do you?  We just want to be happy and free, so mote it be.  Always searching, always trying to understand and that in itself is enough.  Grow and be.

60 is here

 60 is here, what to do with that… crazy to think I have been here this long, grateful to continue.  Is it what I imagined?  no, no parade, no bells, just me, love in my heart, more humble, more grateful.  Oh I had visions of travel through Europe this year, promises made with another, the other gone from this life, a promise we could not keep.  Pivot move with the journey I do, perhaps slightly disappointed in friends not being closer, yet I think I always knew that, kept my distance for a reason, yet being older wanting more connection, trying to be available for more, yet not getting it… yet really ok with that as well, releasing expectations is a constant lesson, I think I get better at it.  I can rely on me, to take care of myself, to love myself, to be love, to stop fighting for more, to accept, to share, to grow.  All the things… this I have learned in my 60 years.  So happy bday to me, you did good, you fell, you got up, you forgave, forgave myself was the big one and I did.  I thank you life, I hope to get many more journeys around the Sun.  It went by fast, it can slow down now.

2025 let’s go

 2025 is near and here.  It is my 60th year, wow, all I can say is time you go by fast, it is true life is just a moment.  In reflection, I am beyond grateful for all that was, the joy, the pain, the growth, the release, no regrets yet I have creative projects that haunt me so must be completed this year.  I feel the biggest challenge has been what do I want and why for if I can answer that, all comes all flows.  Community is important, freedom, recognition, purpose, change, healing, love… we all want the same thing, yet when years pass the urge of why I am here and what is it I must do?  Maybe nothing, maybe this lifetime is just to find love, love in myself and others, to trust that we exist to simply be… yet I am an artist and I love to perform, so that drives me in this journey, but I want the art to mean something, I need to feel good about it, I want to speak of truth behind it I want to shift people’s thoughts I want to heal myself and others through it, big demands, hard to find the path for all that, I complicate it, waiting for signs, doubting myself for being too lazy in the quest, forgiving myself for missed steps and moving forward.  So here we go 2025, thank you 2024 for inspiring me to continue to grow, heal and love, may the next bring more lessons of love, may I learn, may I grow, may my purpose show it self, may creativity and inspiration come to me, thank you for what is here and for what is to come, namaste, Marie

Still hurts

 15 years since my beautiful Moma Clare Miller left us, time does not heal, you just get use to the feeling of her gone, still hurts, I just miss more.  Feeling the need to write a magical moment that happened though.  We went on a boat ride, saw dolphins, later we released flowers and the dolphins returned at the perfect moment over the flowers, words cannot express the magic that was felt, it is on video, too precious and private to share, but a gift she gave me as the flowers floated away, in my heart it felt as though she was telling me I am gone but love lives and all continues and all is well… I don’t know, I just miss her so much, that is all I can really say, it still hurts, we walk on, and I just love her more today than yesterday…

New moon thoughts

 New moon a time of renewal new birth new dreams, new me?  As you age there is a releasing of the younger self, a thank you for all you have done and now you can go, so the new self, the wiser, the consciousness can rise and the ego self can surrender and let go.  Easy to say, harder to do, a process of the unlearning, the shedding etc etc.  sort of a mourning period for the younger self to say goodbye as you thank it for getting you to where you are today.  Oh the life, the lessons, the letting go, the forever unfolding of forgiving self and others.  Always back to love, love for what was, love for now.  Still learning to be in the now, to be the witness of my thoughts, to be grateful for all of it, excited for what is yet to come.  What a ride huh?  Namaste

Tick tock

 Tick tick goes the clock, the mind can race, ocd, overthinker, tick tock.  The terror is overthinking, than overthinking why I am overthinking, from art to simple task, am I satisfied, did I do it to the best of my capabilities, is there more, should there be less, tick tock.  All the tools, yet difficult at times to apply, see the monkey brain playing with my soul, surrender? No? Yes?  Tick tock, trying to get off the ride but she pulls me in, the part addicted to suffering, fighting to stay alive.  Breathe, let go, try try try… tick tock.