Sunday, May 24, 2020

I Am Loving Awareness, words of wisdom from all that is.  As I exist in this gift of free time, yearning to grow and become all that I am, reading, moving, breathing, reflecting on life, shadow self ... hello?  yes she is still there.  I remember those who have come and gone, leaving a bit of their dust in my current self.  I remember you, you know who you are, do you remember me?  Do you carry a bit of my dust or is it sparkle? I like to hold on to those I love for I love so few, never a fan of what we call friends, they all seem to come and go, some cross over to family but they too eventually disappoint, and why is that, why do my eyes see that.  Fear, denial keeps us separate, to love is all we need, love is everlasting, never to end, so I carry you in my heart, all my days, perhaps you do as well, perhaps not.  If we are of the same source, then we are of the same fabric, we are intertwined and so it is and so it shall always be.  Some walk away because we are not what they need us to be, we love our versions of what we see others to be, but on this fabric, they are the shade they are, we loved that at one time, so how can it ever change, it is that... so I love you and always will, if never again in this physical form shall we intertwine, a reconnect in some form is inevitable, so I will not mourn the loss, I will just miss and remember when.  Namaste to you and to you all, I do love still.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

These days of waiting for the world to open up... to visualize in an uncertain future is a challenge.  This state of limbo haunts us all.  In the beginning it was a gift to have the freedom of leisure, no where you had to go, nothing you had to be.  Silence, retreat, all the things we think would be a gift if having to work was not a necessity.  And now here we are 2 months in, with many months to go. The quest begins, what to be, what is your purpose to rise each day.  Better yet, what is my purpose?   Creativity does not flow in this days of leisure... I could begin and then see?  Yet does not interest me.  Dreams of writing, what to say, self help or stories... Body worker?  Not feeling the call, not feeling much of a call in any direction... Wait, look within, search for clues, be, breathe, love, maybe that is enough and what really is enouph?  Peace is all we truly desire, eat right, exercise, rejoice in small wonders.  Small dilemmas in waiting for the world to heal.  I do feel Terra healing, so I guess just being grateful for this time for her, is enouph... we shall see...

Wednesday, January 1, 2020


A new decade is upon us, 2020 it is.  I reflect on the last ten years as they flew by, in 2010 it was the first year without my beautiful mom, every year the loss of her grows, Every year I am more humble more grateful for good days, lessons that she continues to teach me.  In the following years about every 2 years I had to say goodbye to each pack member, Kalie, Diego, Benu and Zara.  I had to let my man go, we found our way back to each other. My career blossomed as I became a female clown for a Cirque show.  I remain steady and happily employed with Criss Angel. We bought a new house, new memories to create.  The Decade also brought travel, a love for Hawaii, finally Paris, new lifelong friends were made.  As I move into this new decade may love, forgiveness, inspiration follow me always, forever grateful for this journey of life, for all of it, the good and bad, the love and loss, shine on my fellow beings, we have much to do in the days ahead, the world needs us, find your place, do good, help this planet heal, smile for life is a gift.

Monday, December 23, 2019

my girls

Zara Lynette Fontaine

A precious girl named Zara.  Four days has passed since you passed, it’s just before Xmas.  I struggle to be at peace, as you would be watching me make mom’s fudge, waiting impatiently for snacks.  So I write I write of your life as to never forget.

It was Halloween, we had wanted a French bulldog for sometime, as our other dogs were aging we knew now would be a good time then magically a trick or treater said her frenchie just had puppies and they were down the street, with excitement we met the litter the next day, picked out what we thought was the sweetest one and a few weeks later you were ours.  Instantly you set up your status as the alpha, thankfully our other two, kalie and Diego bowed down, yet the cat, benu, made it very clear that it was his home and his rules. AJ never had experienced a litter, we decided to breed you once.  Your stud rocket slept over a couple of nights and with puppies you became.  A perfect mom you were, naturally taking to it, raising three healthy babies, molly, dada and booboo.  Two did not survive and it broke our heart, yet no time for you to mourn as you had three babies to feed, so many precious memories of that time, you were the best mom.  You found a ball obsession and so the love affair of you and your balls began, we would have to hide them in the refrigerator as you could smell it out anywhere.  Years passed and you brought us much joy, comforting us each time we lost our other three babies.  When baby Nico came, you soon took over as a big sis, he was lucky to have you, even with your intense lessons of submission.  Not a fan of aging, you fought it, managed to keep your demanding spirit and love of your ball.  For me the part that is so hard to release is where is my shadow, my guardian, you kept your eye on me, waking me every morning, greeting me upon arrival, only napping when I settled down, my watcher.  For your papa you had your night time cuddles, a special time just for him.  We hope wherever you are you are safe and loved, we did our best to protect you and keep you out of harms way.  Your cross over the rainbow bridge was a bit rough yet that was you, doing it your way, your time, not surrendering into the night, yet sliding into heaven.  At the end you were at peace I believe.  Shine on my our sweet, demanding, precious Zara, we will be loving you all our days.

Sunday, December 22, 2019

Zara my baby

I have not posted here for some time, seems I use this site as a place to share love and loss.  Two years ago we also loss our sweet cat of eighteen years Benu, my writings of him have been in a book somewhere... and now my Zara, my frenchie of fourteen years has now crossed over the rainbow bridge.  We were not prepared as death came for her in the night, we did our best to help her survive, yet not wanting a vibrant girl to suffer, we helped her go, held her as she gave us a sweet snore, listened to the heart stop and felt the spirit release.   I fell childless as she was my shadow, treated me as one of her puppies, following me everywhere and always concerned that I would make good choices.  We do not know what happens when all is done, faith in hope that she is with me and to one day unite in the physical.  Grief, love that has no where to go, I walk on without her, stumbling to find what that means to no longer have my baby girl Zara, love does live as it transforms, but oh the longing to hold, to kiss, rips you apart.  Be happy, be safe, be you, my Zara, I will miss you all my days.

Friday, August 16, 2013

A good day for Diego would be...

A good day for diego would be...a morning front yard walk about, to take in the view, for he always loved to sit gazing at the world around him... A game of chase with his kalie, later a chase with Zara would do, with a game of who could have the best growl, an occasional tiff with the kitty benu, for they did have some territory issues... A ride to the park to pick out his favorite pine cone, a run down the slide, a run in the water sprinklers.... A road trip to a nice hike, with always leading the way... A return home to get a nice drink of water from his baba... A trip with his papa to get the family water, honored to be the helper...A new bone to guard, a favorite treat of chicarron.... A nice brushing, the stroke of the front legs was a good spot... A nice nap on his kitchen couch... A greeting at the door of his moma or papa... So many things he loved to do yet his favorite of all times would be when his papa played the piano and he would get his stuff animal,which the other animals always respected as his and never disturbed, he would nestle in with the music in the background, get it just right and begin to nurse with pure contentment.  He was always loved, always safe, and will forever always be missed.  We forever love you. Sweet baby boy!