Wednesday, January 1, 2020


A new decade is upon us, 2020 it is.  I reflect on the last ten years as they flew by, in 2010 it was the first year without my beautiful mom, every year the loss of her grows, Every year I am more humble more grateful for good days, lessons that she continues to teach me.  In the following years about every 2 years I had to say goodbye to each pack member, Kalie, Diego, Benu and Zara.  I had to let my man go, we found our way back to each other. My career blossomed as I became a female clown for a Cirque show.  I remain steady and happily employed with Criss Angel. We bought a new house, new memories to create.  The Decade also brought travel, a love for Hawaii, finally Paris, new lifelong friends were made.  As I move into this new decade may love, forgiveness, inspiration follow me always, forever grateful for this journey of life, for all of it, the good and bad, the love and loss, shine on my fellow beings, we have much to do in the days ahead, the world needs us, find your place, do good, help this planet heal, smile for life is a gift.

Monday, December 23, 2019

my girls

Zara Lynette Fontaine

A precious girl named Zara.  Four days has passed since you passed, it’s just before Xmas.  I struggle to be at peace, as you would be watching me make mom’s fudge, waiting impatiently for snacks.  So I write I write of your life as to never forget.

It was Halloween, we had wanted a French bulldog for sometime, as our other dogs were aging we knew now would be a good time then magically a trick or treater said her frenchie just had puppies and they were down the street, with excitement we met the litter the next day, picked out what we thought was the sweetest one and a few weeks later you were ours.  Instantly you set up your status as the alpha, thankfully our other two, kalie and Diego bowed down, yet the cat, benu, made it very clear that it was his home and his rules. AJ never had experienced a litter, we decided to breed you once.  Your stud rocket slept over a couple of nights and with puppies you became.  A perfect mom you were, naturally taking to it, raising three healthy babies, molly, dada and booboo.  Two did not survive and it broke our heart, yet no time for you to mourn as you had three babies to feed, so many precious memories of that time, you were the best mom.  You found a ball obsession and so the love affair of you and your balls began, we would have to hide them in the refrigerator as you could smell it out anywhere.  Years passed and you brought us much joy, comforting us each time we lost our other three babies.  When baby Nico came, you soon took over as a big sis, he was lucky to have you, even with your intense lessons of submission.  Not a fan of aging, you fought it, managed to keep your demanding spirit and love of your ball.  For me the part that is so hard to release is where is my shadow, my guardian, you kept your eye on me, waking me every morning, greeting me upon arrival, only napping when I settled down, my watcher.  For your papa you had your night time cuddles, a special time just for him.  We hope wherever you are you are safe and loved, we did our best to protect you and keep you out of harms way.  Your cross over the rainbow bridge was a bit rough yet that was you, doing it your way, your time, not surrendering into the night, yet sliding into heaven.  At the end you were at peace I believe.  Shine on my our sweet, demanding, precious Zara, we will be loving you all our days.

Sunday, December 22, 2019

Zara my baby

I have not posted here for some time, seems I use this site as a place to share love and loss.  Two years ago we also loss our sweet cat of eighteen years Benu, my writings of him have been in a book somewhere... and now my Zara, my frenchie of fourteen years has now crossed over the rainbow bridge.  We were not prepared as death came for her in the night, we did our best to help her survive, yet not wanting a vibrant girl to suffer, we helped her go, held her as she gave us a sweet snore, listened to the heart stop and felt the spirit release.   I fell childless as she was my shadow, treated me as one of her puppies, following me everywhere and always concerned that I would make good choices.  We do not know what happens when all is done, faith in hope that she is with me and to one day unite in the physical.  Grief, love that has no where to go, I walk on without her, stumbling to find what that means to no longer have my baby girl Zara, love does live as it transforms, but oh the longing to hold, to kiss, rips you apart.  Be happy, be safe, be you, my Zara, I will miss you all my days.

Friday, August 16, 2013

A good day for Diego would be...

A good day for diego would be...a morning front yard walk about, to take in the view, for he always loved to sit gazing at the world around him... A game of chase with his kalie, later a chase with Zara would do, with a game of who could have the best growl, an occasional tiff with the kitty benu, for they did have some territory issues... A ride to the park to pick out his favorite pine cone, a run down the slide, a run in the water sprinklers.... A road trip to a nice hike, with always leading the way... A return home to get a nice drink of water from his baba... A trip with his papa to get the family water, honored to be the helper...A new bone to guard, a favorite treat of chicarron.... A nice brushing, the stroke of the front legs was a good spot... A nice nap on his kitchen couch... A greeting at the door of his moma or papa... So many things he loved to do yet his favorite of all times would be when his papa played the piano and he would get his stuff animal,which the other animals always respected as his and never disturbed, he would nestle in with the music in the background, get it just right and begin to nurse with pure contentment.  He was always loved, always safe, and will forever always be missed.  We forever love you. Sweet baby boy!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The house weeps

Realizing as I have before, the loss of my beloved love Diego... Animals are like little angels filled with love, a soul that shines bright in your home, the fibers of the wall breathe in their energy.  Now that he is gone, I feel the emptiness that once was Diego, it is so quite, it is so still.  All of us including my home miss all that he was.  I  try to surrender to Diego here in this plane no more, yet it is hard, it hurts, it is simply just empty...

Sunday, August 11, 2013

There were three now there are two

My boy, my bulldog, my Diego.... He left us today just as I prayed he would go, gently while sleeping, no pain, no fear.  His last few months were hard, yet the change really happened when he lost his kalie girl.  He just began to age and show his thirteen English bulldog years, yet his other mate Zara kept him strong.  He suffered a stroke four months prior to his passing yet that could not stop a tenacious bulldog.  He fought to keep going, strong appetite till the end.  Hard for me to watch him struggle, to keep calm in his moments of anxiety.  I chose to serve him till the end to keep him safe, comfortable, and loved.  The day before I felt it is time for me to be brave and help in cross over, calls were made and I would watch him closely to see when I felt he needed to go.  A decision I have never had to make.  On the night he passed I watched him take treats from his papa.  In life you have those printed memory moments and this surely was one of them.  I went to bed yet felt the need to go see him and give him a big kiss and tell him it's ok, it's ok to go, moma will always love you so much.    The day before, I prayed that god would take him in his sleep, as that was always my vision for the little man, he was afraid of the unknown...I awoke to see him laying in his bed, stared at his belly as I had done each morning he was sleeping, and there it was, no movement, a gentle touch and it was true, he was gone.  My mourning process had begun, I have my rituals I do, as I have lost three great loves these past few years.  I am happy he is free of his confused mind, after the stroke he was never the same, he would have moments of clarity, yet always brief, hard to watch a dog with dementia, yet as long as he had the will to live, I stayed in there with him.  Goodbye my sweet Diego, you did us proud and thank you for giving me one last gift and leaving on your own, you were brave, you did good.  Give kalie our love, try not to hump her, have a nice run, nurse on a stuffed animal, chew a good bone, get a good brushing, a nice game of tug a war, yet do your favorite thing and have a nice gaze on a beautiful view.  I was honored to share life with you, forever in my heart, your mama,  Marie.