Do you hear yourself scream inside

 At times there is a scream within, either for me or past generations or the animals or the planet.  Emotions arise with no home to call, out of the depth it pours out of you.  Releasing mother pain of the provider survivor fighter, fathers pain of perfection which haunts him paralyzing him to do anything.  Finding your unique soul fighting for answers to find a quiet peace and satisfaction that all is good, release and be.  Yet sometimes there a scream within, I can hear it, calling out.  Do you?  We just want to be happy and free, so mote it be.  Always searching, always trying to understand and that in itself is enough.  Grow and be.

60 is here

 60 is here, what to do with that… crazy to think I have been here this long, grateful to continue.  Is it what I imagined?  no, no parade, no bells, just me, love in my heart, more humble, more grateful.  Oh I had visions of travel through Europe this year, promises made with another, the other gone from this life, a promise we could not keep.  Pivot move with the journey I do, perhaps slightly disappointed in friends not being closer, yet I think I always knew that, kept my distance for a reason, yet being older wanting more connection, trying to be available for more, yet not getting it… yet really ok with that as well, releasing expectations is a constant lesson, I think I get better at it.  I can rely on me, to take care of myself, to love myself, to be love, to stop fighting for more, to accept, to share, to grow.  All the things… this I have learned in my 60 years.  So happy bday to me, you did good, you fell, you got up, you forgave, forgave myself was the big one and I did.  I thank you life, I hope to get many more journeys around the Sun.  It went by fast, it can slow down now.

2025 let’s go

 2025 is near and here.  It is my 60th year, wow, all I can say is time you go by fast, it is true life is just a moment.  In reflection, I am beyond grateful for all that was, the joy, the pain, the growth, the release, no regrets yet I have creative projects that haunt me so must be completed this year.  I feel the biggest challenge has been what do I want and why for if I can answer that, all comes all flows.  Community is important, freedom, recognition, purpose, change, healing, love… we all want the same thing, yet when years pass the urge of why I am here and what is it I must do?  Maybe nothing, maybe this lifetime is just to find love, love in myself and others, to trust that we exist to simply be… yet I am an artist and I love to perform, so that drives me in this journey, but I want the art to mean something, I need to feel good about it, I want to speak of truth behind it I want to shift people’s thoughts I want to heal myself and others through it, big demands, hard to find the path for all that, I complicate it, waiting for signs, doubting myself for being too lazy in the quest, forgiving myself for missed steps and moving forward.  So here we go 2025, thank you 2024 for inspiring me to continue to grow, heal and love, may the next bring more lessons of love, may I learn, may I grow, may my purpose show it self, may creativity and inspiration come to me, thank you for what is here and for what is to come, namaste, Marie

Still hurts

 15 years since my beautiful Moma Clare Miller left us, time does not heal, you just get use to the feeling of her gone, still hurts, I just miss more.  Feeling the need to write a magical moment that happened though.  We went on a boat ride, saw dolphins, later we released flowers and the dolphins returned at the perfect moment over the flowers, words cannot express the magic that was felt, it is on video, too precious and private to share, but a gift she gave me as the flowers floated away, in my heart it felt as though she was telling me I am gone but love lives and all continues and all is well… I don’t know, I just miss her so much, that is all I can really say, it still hurts, we walk on, and I just love her more today than yesterday…

New moon thoughts

 New moon a time of renewal new birth new dreams, new me?  As you age there is a releasing of the younger self, a thank you for all you have done and now you can go, so the new self, the wiser, the consciousness can rise and the ego self can surrender and let go.  Easy to say, harder to do, a process of the unlearning, the shedding etc etc.  sort of a mourning period for the younger self to say goodbye as you thank it for getting you to where you are today.  Oh the life, the lessons, the letting go, the forever unfolding of forgiving self and others.  Always back to love, love for what was, love for now.  Still learning to be in the now, to be the witness of my thoughts, to be grateful for all of it, excited for what is yet to come.  What a ride huh?  Namaste

Tick tock

 Tick tick goes the clock, the mind can race, ocd, overthinker, tick tock.  The terror is overthinking, than overthinking why I am overthinking, from art to simple task, am I satisfied, did I do it to the best of my capabilities, is there more, should there be less, tick tock.  All the tools, yet difficult at times to apply, see the monkey brain playing with my soul, surrender? No? Yes?  Tick tock, trying to get off the ride but she pulls me in, the part addicted to suffering, fighting to stay alive.  Breathe, let go, try try try… tick tock.  

Daddy

 Holiday Season 2023/ Daddy visit.

My dad was here, for me and perhaps for all, it is an emotional time, the bond with daughter and father, once he was my best friend, our roles changed as I grew and moved on but for him I remain that little girl.  Distance kept him from getting to really know my adult self and I could not see the slow aging difference in him only to be blasted with this new old man before me.  I grasp for connection as we are forever bonded, desperately wanting to heal old wounds. Yet time moves on and I discover the love is always there, I treasure the moments when I see the spirit of the Man and see that even though he is physically weak as well as mentally, the vibrant spirit remains.  We can’t change the past, we cannot regret, then what is there to heal, is what it is, this tragically beautiful life, these souls grasping for connection, for peace.  Through it all the love remains strong, perhaps the healing is as simple as acceptance.  I love you daddy, Even thought I wanted you to try harder for health for victory, for all I wanted for you.  You did your best, you try your best, you always brought sunshine even when it was dark.  Your soul is amazing and I know that great things are coming for you when the transition comes.  Each lifetime we learn at our own pace.  I think the biggest gift have given me is acceptance for what is.  In our life, as your little girl, you gave me the gift of play, of adventure, of laughter and all the fun things…. I love you forever in this and in the next.  Your girl Marie.  It’s a beautiful day and the sun is out shining.  You did good daddy, you did good.